theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
