Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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