She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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