I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize