you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
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