Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
