my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize