uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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