great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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