if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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