I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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