I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
