oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
