you turned your livingroom into a bong?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize