My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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