we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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