Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
