I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize