She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
