He told me they were just razor bumps!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
