Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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