My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize