I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
