Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
