I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
