i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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