We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize