you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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