Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
