Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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