Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
These tits shall not be calmed
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
