dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
