Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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