I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
