Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
