I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
