You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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