I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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