Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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