Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
