he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
