well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
