thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize