dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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