I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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