Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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