So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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