I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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