the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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