I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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