why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
