The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
