i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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