I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
