I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
