I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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