Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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