Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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