In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
