i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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