Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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