____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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