I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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