Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
