I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I supernannyed him into submission
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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