is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
