So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
